Archive for March, 2013


I’m sure you’ve noticed that many of the articles posted to social media come with “rape trigger” warnings. There is a reason. For decades, just the word “rape” would see me leave conversations, rooms, parties, movies – quietly. I didn’t make a huge fuss. If someone made a rape joke that was making fun of the victim, I’d point out that that wasn’t funny before leaving as I was sneered at and told to lighten up. I left an entire set of friends after finding out that the ones I was hanging out with didn’t believe it was a “real” rape, and was speculating that it was just someone I fucked, and then told my boyfriend it was rape just in case he found out later. Jeff wouldn’t specify which people said it, so I stopped talking to everyone, and never discussed what happened to me with anyone new I met.

I didn’t go see Jodie Foster in “The Accused” when it came out. For the first time, though, people were debating the “she was asking for it” concept. I still wouldn’t talk about it, though. When told by other women that I ‘had to’, I’d say “No, I don’t. I was a statistic, I did my part.” I didn’t go into the emotional pain and torment that people put me through AFTER the rape, because it still hurt too much.

Thirty years later, society hasn’t evolved on the subject at all. Last year I decided I had to live the concept of “the only thing evil needs to thrive is for good people to stay silent.” After all, how many other women can say that they’ve had their weapon removed from their purse by their rapist and been told “Well, that didn’t do you much good, did it?”

That doesn’t mean that having the discussion doesn’t bother me. It still hurts. I’m still angry. I’m still scared. My feelings are still hurt. The subject still makes me cry. Seeing victims shamed/blamed makes me feel it all over again.

I got angry over pretty much nothing at work yesterday and nearly quit. I’m supposed to be answering convention emails today and sewing a costume for my son. I’ve done nothing but play stupid flash games where the hardest thing I have to worry about is whether I have enough wood to build a bridge yet. I keep going back to news and social media to read like a suicidal moth.

I’m trying to eat healthy, but decided to treat myself to more Coke Zero and some brown sugar/cinnamon Pop-Tarts. On the way to the store, I was explaining to my son why I was upset. He deals with Asberger’s & ADHD, so even at 23 he still doesn’t really care about what’s happening outside of the gaming industry & Deviant Art. So I started with Steubenville, how the coaches “handled it”, how the victim is receiving death threats. I was heartened by the “what the fuck is wrong with people” look in his eyes. I let him know that it had happened to me, and what my friends said, and how people’s reactions on the news & social sites are making me sad & angry. How saying “women should carry handguns for protection” is basically saying “there is no way to stop men from raping or to get people to not give a shit if people are being raped, so if you don’t want to be called a whore, carry a weapon to make sure it doesn’t happen to you.”

The conversation ended with a hypothetical scenario where I walk into a public building with an AK, spraying bullets everywhere and yelling “YOU WANT WOMEN TO CARRY GUNS? THERE! NOW YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING PROVOKED EVER AGAIN!” I was joking … but I did sort of feel better afterward, lol.

Seriously, though, I don’t think me being armed at all times is a very good idea.

 

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Strawberry Salsa

Made it into a pic so I could Pinterest it & junk.

Also – yummy, make it!

Strawberry Salsa

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